1010

I hope you all just had a flashback to junior high science. How cool is this, there's actually a Powers of 10 website. I totally forgot that movie existed.

I should be packing right now, I'm heading off on my week long May Day holiday tomorrow, but instead I'm looking up science journals online.

Alright, here's my last random link. How can anyone still be a creationist? I mean, seriously, what's your problem?

SMS

I keep a number of text messages that I find amusing in my phone, but my inbox is getting a bit full, so I have to do some spring cleaning. So I'm going to publish them rather than keep them in my phone:

"Happy women~s day! U haue a good figure and a beautiful face. We all like u. If u can more openess we will like u more. This is magie." -Maggie

No, I don't have more openess.

"i want to know u r busy or not. because i want to ask u out." -Henry

I found this one confusing because it was at 9:56 at night. So I didn't know if he meant right at that moment, or in general. So I said, it was too late. It hasn't been mentioned since.

"ifeel sorry if u r not ok sometimes, i wish i could hold u until u fine" -Brian

With Brian, we always text in Chinese, unless he asks me out or something like the above, then it's always in English, which is a bit odd I think. Which, by the way, he sad he's sorry that I'm not ok, because I told him I felt ill because I didn't want to hang out with him earlier. They always buy it.

"what are you doing now?do you rember me yet ? you are so beautifultoday" -张相坤

"well.i'd glad t0 wait for you when you are free . good night. prettygirl"－张相坤

Alright, well Brian and 张相坤 both have girlfriends, and the only reason I gave my number to 张相坤 (who is a student) is because we were talking about his girlfriend for about 5 minutes before, so I figured it was safe. I've pretty much found that most Chinese guys are assholes like that.

Lin'an Facts

Alright, if you do a Wikipedia search for Lin'an, it seems like some info actually comes up.

I don't understand why I waste so much time looking up fuck all online. This is why I know random trivia like 26% of Japanese women haven't had sex with their husbands in the past year, and a significant number of married Japanese women are virgins. Because their husbands won't sleep with them.

I'd probably be a much more productive person if I didn't have internet access. Actually, I just remembered what I got online to do about an hour ago, so I should probably go and do it and stop blogging and looking up stupid shit.

My home sweet home

If you ever think you have problems, check out this guy.

From the moun-tains to the prai-ries
To the o-ceans white with foam...

dunno

I was just staring at my ceiling and listening to Tori Amos, when I came to the sad realization that the only time I'll have a complete grasp of my life was 6 years ago. It's all in the air now.

I went to a night club last night with a bouncy floor. It was great. Anyone's a rockstar dancer when the floor bounces. China's great because you can walk in a club with a cage door entrance to men table dancing with each other and yet still be in a strait bar. Or at least a Chinese bar. And everyone's drinking Coca Cola. On a Monday night. And it's crowded.

The best part of the night was the slow dance. They dimmed all the lights and put on "Hotel California" while five brave couples held each other on the dark dance floor. I haven't seen a slow dance like that since I was 13.

There's no privacy in this town. Everything I do people talk about. "My friend saw you buying a cola at the store the other day." "My brother saw you walking along the river." "You were at the post office the other day, right?"

There are half a million people in this town and I think about 400,000 of them know who I am. I know (or recognize) maybe 50. And I only know about 6 people's names. And sadly, I know every other foriegner in Lin'an.

"There's another one like you, but he's a man." "He's young and his hair is the same color as mine?" "Yes." "Yes, I know him, but he's from Australia." "Yes, another 外国人。“

We're all the same. There's only 12 of us. Well, of the non Japanese or Korean foreigners. If you add the Japanese and Koreans, then there are like 16.

Thank God I'm spending all of next week away from this town.

debunk dude

The regular use of text messages and emails can lower the IQ more than twice as much as smoking marijuana.

I am so screwed.

What about the obsessive compulsive behaviour of reading various international news articles daily and blogging?

I read an article in The Economist yesterday about the future of journalism. It more or less was talking about a speech by Rupert Murdoch on how journalism is changing, becoming web-savvy, where "bloggers" and "podcasters" congregate to "engage our reporters and editors in more extended discussions." Anyway, blogging may bring down journalism as we know it, and I'd really like to be a part of that. That's why I've added the Instapundit link to my sidebar. It's alright. Although I personally think most blogs are crap - including my own - his isn't too bad. In fact, usually when I'm reading other people's blogs it just annoys me and makes me want to destroy my own.

I'd like to start a revolution, but I think revolutions are out. Maybe a 'movement', 'issue', or 'debunk' is more appropriate. Also I'm a little lazy for revolution. Sure it's easy for me to pick up and change city and country every couple of months, but that's where my motivation ends. I'd rather criticize and ridicule society than try to change it. No, that's not true, it's just that I end up ridiculing and criticizing more than changing.

jaded by traditional advertising?

When is an ad not an ad? When it has no product to sell. A man leaves his house, gets into his Volkswagen Polo and drives to a busy café. Having parked the car, he opens his jacket to reveal a bomb strapped to his chest. His intentions are clear. However, when he detonates himself, the blast is absorbed within the body of the car. The suicide bomber dies as unscathed pedestrians walk calmly by. The Volkswagen logo appears on the screen along with the slogan: Small but Tough.

Viral Marketing

the future

So I was just sitting out on my balcony, gazing into the reddish haze of the pollution and up at the full moon, and thinking that Lin'an actually is quite lovely. And no, I'm not stoned right now, but if I ever needed a fat blunt, dear lord, now would be the time...

And no, I don't feel ashamed writing this, because a couple of years ago my mother gifted my siblings and I copies of an independent 'zine my father helped produce. I didn't read it or anything, but one night my friends were over and looking at it, and every other article was about getting stoned. God bless the 60's. Sure they ended up with 4 kids and living in the suburbs of Salt Lake City but...

Oh my god, it's nothing but the straight and narrow for me from now on. By this time next year I'm going to be living on wall street, surrounded by millions of dollars and doing lines off hookers while my boyfriend screws the pool guy in the bathroom. haha.

Actually, if this blog still exists in the distant future and my kid's friends are reading it, I'd like to pass on a message: I'm sorry, I'm very sorry. Make the same mistakes I did, all of them, because they aren't mistakes, just growing opportunities. Unless your friends are reading this while you're doing lines off hookers and your boyfriend is screwing the pool guy in the bathroom, then be ashamed, be very ashamed. Send some of that money to me, but you are damned.

And if I'm reading this in the future, thinking about my kid's reading this, hopefully I'll just giggle and eat another hash cookie. I'm not really sorry, just spiteful. haha.

The Devil

Well now I'm glad I didn't take the job with the devil.

Microsoft Under Fire for Gay Rights Bill Reversal

"I told them I was going to give them something to be afraid of Christians about,"

Well we did have the crusades, creationism, Bloody Mary, conquestadors, Oliver Cromwell, witch hunting, The Lost Generation, The Temple and Translation, pedophile priests, George Bush, Fred Phelps, etc.

This Antioch Bible Church scares the hell out of me.

The Romans had it right with the lions.

I hate titles

I hate this continent and everything in it. Haha, just kidding.

Well that was pretty good. I even spelled the title wrong. And, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, my spelling is usually completely flawless. I should probably clarify a few things. I didn't have any chicken feet, but everyone else was casually chewing on them all night. Also, I have had quite a few good times while on the atlantic, but right now I feel like the Pacific is much more colorful and progressive, and it just rules. I'm sure nothing else needs to be clarified,

Or at least the Pacific cities rule. I think I've had just enough of Lin'an. I mean I had enough of it about 10 minutes after getting here, but I'm not sure if I can deal with another 2 months. I turned down a job in Shanghai a couple months ago working for the devil. It would have started right away, and plus it's the devil, so I didn't take it, but now I'm really regretting that. I'd love to think that I don't need cities and I can just hang out in suburbia and small towns, but I really can't. I started hyperventilating looking at underground jeans online today. I'm more than happy to spend hundreds of dollars for them. I have to say, all my nice clothes are going completely and totally to waste in Lin'an. All I wear is crap clothing. Torn jeans and t-shirts. I think other teachers dress up for class but not me. I think my students are as surprised as I am that I'm still showing up.

In related news I went to collect my salary today (let me tell you, it really is a great feeling to collect a 4 figure annual salary) and ran into my boss. He proposed that I undertake graduate studies here while working for them. So my studies would be free and I'd have extra cash. Ha ha. Another couple years in Lin'an. Sure my Chinese would be amazing, but what about my life? And my Chinese skills won't matter when I flee the country in agitated hatred of everything in it. When I'm bitching about paying off tens of thousands of dollars in student loans in a couple years you can say to me, "Nicole, it would have been free in Lin'an." And I'll reply, "Yes, but what about my youth?"

night clubin

Have you ever noticed how stalkerish the Police "every breath you take" song is? It's pretty bad.

Anyway, i would just like to point out right now that I'm in the greatest continent in the world. And I will never ever leave this continent. Quite possibly not this country, because it is so awesome. If I could tell you why right now I'd be the greatest writer ever, but instead I'm just a shmuck with at blog, who may be a little intoxicated. Perhaps that last point is why this continent is so great. Actually, the entire Pacific Rim is awesome, minus the America's. Aside from the chicken feet and snails I had tonight, it's fucking cool. I think the most fun I've ever had has been while touching the Pacific. Sydney, Shanghai, Byron Bay, Beijing, are all awesome. I even enjoyed Tokyo for the day I was there. I've never been to Seoul, but I bet that's cool too. Same with Taiping and hte rest of them. The entire Pacific rules. Even latin America is cool, because it's full of beautiful people, good music, and food. And for america, san fran, seattle, and even LA are the best. you people still stuck on the atlantic are behind hte times. it's boring and backwards. except cape town, which might as well be int he pacific because it's so cool. The pacific rules all. I'm done with it. I'm staying in this area of the world for the rest of my life.

Alright, i'd also like to point out at this time, that unless your young, good looking, or interesting, I'm not interested in you. So if your old, ugly, or boring, just walk the other way. even if you have money. Anyone who is interested in only money is a terrible person. i didn't used to think this way, but I've been convinced otherwise.

Alright, I'm going to bed. I have to wake up in acouple hoursw and go jogging. the pacific fucking rocks. I love this fucking area. Also, I'd like to point out that i can drink anyone in this country unde the table. and sicne i taught a bunch of peeps that phrase this evening, if you ever hear some chinese person say 'under table' ask them if they know an american girl named kexx, or ke xin, or nicole. or if they just know some american who was yelling l'escargot at them all night. because there might just be a connection.

alright, goodnight.

Chicken Feet

The Chinese, like all great culinary nations, love their food. I did a section on food a month of so ago in class. I had my students name some non-Chinese foods and just talk about them. One student got up and said, "Chinese has enough good food for me. I think all I need is Chinese food."

However, unlike the Italians, French, or even Indians who savor their food - take a while to eat it, enjoy the flavor and taste - the Chinese don't so much eat their food, as breath in heavily and it somehow gets ingested. Mealtime here is always an experience.

All of the sudden it turns into a race for survival. People are biting off prawn heads and spitting them on the floor, gnawing on chicken feet, slurping up noodles, devouring steamed buns. I think if someone were to come straight from America to a Chinese dinner they'd be, quite frankly, revolted. There is nothing wrong with spitting on the floor or table. Dropping unwanted bones, feet, and heads on the table. Food is shoveled on to your plate. It's pretty impressive. You do get used to it though. Finding rocks, small pieces of paper, and etc in your food is common. I even find myself spitting out small bones and other unwanted on to the table. It is convenient. But if you have a weak stomach for these things, I wouldn't make the journey here. Unless you plan on only eating in very nice restaurants, and because it's so cheap that's very feasible.

Anyway, I like a lot of Chinese food. Despite all my cheese longings and mustard cravings, it's actually alright. Comments like, "Chinese has enough good food for me. I think all I need is Chinese food" make me want to never eat it again, but I have little choice. I think Chinese fish is the best. It's a bit shocking at first. They don't cut it up or anything. You pick out a live fish first and then they serve it up to you head, fins, and tail, but it is spectacular. Most of the seafood is pretty good. Noodles obviously. A lot of the vegetable dishes are good. Tofu that isn't rancid is awesome. People who come to China and only eat fried rice and dumplings are losers. But of course the food does have its down side. Like chicken feet, duck head, and dog.

Zhejiang province and Shanghai have pretty good food. That's the region I'm in, but I think Lin'an missed out on the memo. Food in Lin'an is a bit dull actually. They do have these green sweet steamed buns that are pretty addictive, but that's about all. I'm looking forward to going to Beijing at the end of this month for some northern cuisine. I was sick of it last time I was here, but now I'm kind of craving it.

Everywhere I look is a darkness

So this is clearly a basic map of the Asia Pacific. The Chinese learn from a young age that the country is shaped like the torso of a rooster (or cock.) Southeast Asia is the legs, the Korean peninsula is the beak, and you can then see Japan as a helpless worm.

I read an article somewhere the other day that there is an actual potential for a conflict between China and Japan. I'm not entirely sure what I'd do if that happened. I'm not in the most strategic of locations here in Lin'an.

I think the possibility is very, very slim; however, if it were to become a reality I'm not sure of the exact steps to follow for evacuation. Hopefully there'd be a bit of a warning ("If you do not reveal your WMD by 8pm..."), and I wouldn't just wake up to explosions and alarms. But after the warning or caution was announced do I just show up at the consulate with my passport? ("Yeah, I'd like to flee now.") Also, when they do evacuate, do they send you back to the US right away, or are you sent to a neighboring friendly country? And if it's the latter, do you have any say on where you go? ("We'll be sending you to Singapore until we can determine the next step. Um, actually, I was wondering if it is at all possible to go to the Philippines instead?") These are all questions that never cross your mind when reading the news from the other side. Hopefully I'll never have to find out.

If war were to break out just between Japan and China, I'm pretty sure China would easily win. Unless Japan unveiled it's secret, invisible robot army they'd been building up for the past 50 years with the help of George Lucas and Sony. But of course, it probably wouldn't just be between China and Japan. Some other country, like America, would probably step in to Japan's aid and it would all turn into an enormous bloody disaster. And England and Australia would join up and Europe would talk about it for a while and Africa would declare another independence, and resources would be stretched, and innocent people would die, and it would all just be terrible. And I'd watch and get terribly depressed from my beachside resort in the Philippines.

Anyway, none of this is going to happen so we don't have to worry about it.

Also, can you believe the US has already been in Iraq for 2 years? It's insane. I can't believe I've been pissed off about this for over two years now.

基督

And another one:

Those Birds and Bees

I am bored, bo-bo-bo-bored. Clearly, seeing as this is my second post of the day. There are a lot of things I should be doing right now, like eating Chinese babies, but I'm not. I'm just bored. This is pretty rare, for as boring and uneventful a town as Lin'an is I rarely get this bored. I was even on some discussion boards earlier. I can't believe it. I don't even approve of discussion boards.

I'm too lazy to get drunk. I'm too lazy to go somewhere. I'm too lazy to just sit around or read or watch tv or do anything really, so I'm-a bloggin'. Maybe I'll talk about China, I'm personally a little bored of that topic but it's either that or porn. Maybe I'll try to combine the two.

Do you think I talk about porn too much?

Anyway, 性 (xìng) means sex. If you want to get more definitive 性交 means sexual intercourse. A combination of sex and interaction if you will. (I'm sure you all remember 交际 (jiāojì - social intercourse) from a previous lesson.)Anyway, 性 also means nature, character, quality, and gender. Which is similar to English, sex in English means gender, although not nature. Like you wouldn't say, it's her sex to get angry easily.

The word for he, she, and it is the same in Chinese - all three are tā. The characters are different though. 他，她，and 它 respectively. I don't know the exact age when Chinese children begin to learn how to write, but I think it's around three. So for the first couple years of a Chinese person's life, they know no distinction between male and female when talking about someone. The words for man and woman are different, but when referring to someone in conversation, you rarely say 'that man', it's usually he or she or just tā in China. One of the most common mistakes a Chinese person makes when learning English is mixing up he and she, him and her.

There is a student in my class whose English name is Pink, because he likes the color. He is constantly, constantly draped on or touching one of the other guys in my class. In other parts of the world this may suggest something, but not in China. It's very common to see men walking around holding hands or otherwise wrapped into each other. In what looks like an ideal advertisement for men4men is actually just an innocent display of friendship. The concept of homosexuality is foreign. Most people don't even know what it is. There is a gay scene in China but nobody but foreigners and other gay people talk about it. I think more of my girl students have crushes on me than my guy students. I'm always getting text messages and emails telling me I have a nice figure and they think I'm beautiful. I don't think this is anything particular to me. I'm pretty sure you could replace me with another somewhat blond American girl and nobody would notice. Girls are also walking around wrapped around each other all the time, but that's a much more common sight in most places anyway.

A couple weeks ago, much to my horror, some of my girl students came up to me after class to ask me about sex. They had just watched "American Pie" and wanted to understand it better. She said that it seemed to her that sex was very open and widespread in America. I told her it was comparatively but it's not as dramatic as the movies make it seem. As I looked at them grasping their notebooks with pictures of cats and Pooh Bear on them, hearing girls skipping rope outside, and noticing a group of boys with a basketball walking by with identical Yao Ming jerseys on, I realized that there was no way that I could ever convey to them college and youth sex life in the Western world.

Anyway, she went on to say that in the movie all the people wanted to have sex at such a young age, but in China everyone waits until they are married. I stood there a little stunned that it was actually going to be my responsibility to tell a 24 year old girl that people had sex before marriage everywhere, but fortunately one of her friends stepped in and admitted, that (occasionally) some Chinese people have sex before marriage. She then went on to tell me that when she had been studying in Beijing some foreign teachers had asked her if she knew where to find prostitutes.

Now, let me just take a moment to congratulate the visiting scholars and intellectuals of China. The tact and suave manner of approaching a female student for advise on where to get your kicks is brilliant. Did it not occur to you to ask anyone else. A male student, a male teacher, a female teacher, the guy serving you dumplings? I have absolutely nothing against prostitution. As long as it's clean, safe, and both people are of legal age and consent, go right ahead. But Jesus, asking a student where you can find a whore. Classic.

Well I apologized for you and said that men can be inappropriate anywhere in the world. But I'm digressing...

So I guess my point is, how a genderless, homosexual, shamed country managed to become the most populated in the world is anyone's guess. I'm just going to go back to being bored.

Save the Trees

Porn for a cause.

If you click on the link above you won't go to the porn site, but to an article with the porn site in it. I'm sure most of you are at work right now, and although I'd be happy to spend most of my work day surfing porn, other people may have more tact than me.

I was a bit of an environmentalist before coming to China. And I mean that in a sense that I'd do little things like walk instead of drive, recycle if there was a bin nearby, I even started declining a plastic bag when offered. After I arrived in China I realized what a vain effort that actually was. If you buy anything in a store here almost each individual item is put in a separate plastic bag. At first I was still used to declining a plastic bag but now I don't bother. It doesn't really matter that some people in San Francisco and Sydney are declining to have their groceries put in plastic bags once a week when literally billions of little baggies are issued out and dropped carelessly on the ground in China every day. The concept of recycling is totally foreign. There is always, always pollution in the air.

In Lin'an people ask me if I enjoy all the fresh air and I just look at them in shock. There is a chemical plant right outside the gates of my university that is constantly letting out shit into the air. I've been jogging in the mornings for the past couple weeks but I'm not sure if it's doing more harm than good. I guess since I've quit smoking my lungs have missed the bursts of regular unnatural pain.

I did a section on the environment in my classes - environmentalist terms and ideas in English. My students knew all the problems and could recite fluently why it was bad and that it needed to be improved. They also could recite that the governement was treating it as it's top priority and new efforts were being released regularly to improve the situation.

Fortunately, I don't think some people are buying it. This town is only a couple hours away from me. I told you I was going to start the next revolution. Only I don't think people rise up in Lin'an.

As for the Japanese protests, I haven't seen any of that either. I'm currently doing a news section in my class. Yesterday I had a little nationalistic jargon, I'm not looking forward to it again today but there's nothing I can do about it. I told my students they weren't allowed to talk about politics in the next class. Anyway, I had them write a pretend story about one of the protester's mother. "China is the mother to all Chinese and she respects the protesters right to stand up against the injustices against her." It really is unbearable.

Mmm mmm good

Hangzhou is only about 40 minutes away - a commute if you will... Anyway, I go there every so often for a day to get away from the burbs. I buy cheese (by the way, I now have so much cheese that my fridge looks like the dairy section of a supermarket), drink my Starbucks, have a cocktail at the Hyatt regency, and more or less try to feel more superior than any of the other inhabitants of this country. Which isn't hard in China if you're a foreigner. Your status lies somewhere between zoo animal and celebrity. Irregardless, if you walk into somewhere expensive and nice your treated like a queen. Which I think is another reason why I like China. It's one of the few places left where one can still kind of grasp the feeling of the colonial era superiority. (On a related note, I wasted most of Sunday looking up what elitist clubs I'm eligible for - surprisingly quite a few - so next time I'm in NY or London it's nothing but 5th avenue and St. Paul's for me. Now if only they'd do something about those membership dues...)

Hangzhou is actually really nice though. I would say it's nicer than Beijing, but not as nice as Shanghai. And when I say nice, I mean more Western, 'civilized', and the weather is pretty good. It kind of reminds me of California in a warped way. So I went to Hangzhou today because I had some plane tickets I had to buy and other stuff. I was gawked at like a zoo animal as I walked along the West Lake (which is beautiful) towards Carrefour after my cocktail at the Hyatt. Now I love making fun of the French as much as anyone - quite possibly more so - but god bless them for introducing Carrefour to China.

I'm not really an emotional person. I laughed through Titanic, but I was almost brought to tears in Carrefour. They had mustard. I never thought a food item could have such an effect on me. The Campbell soup in Shanghai came pretty close - all the red and white cans lined in a row never looked so beautiful - but this mustard really blew my mind. And the cereal bars. I'm about to tell you a pretty sad story.

My sister-in-law gave me a cereal bar before I came to China for the plane ride. Since I've been through the whole 'Western food withdrawal" before, I put it aside because I realized I'd appreciate it much more after I got to China. Anyway, threw it in my bag and kind of forgot about it. The other week I was rummaging through my stuff and came across it. I got really excited and opened it up. About half way through I decided I should stop and save it, you know, sort of ration out the bar. Over the next couple weeks I was picking at half a cereal bar that had been sitting in my bag for the past three months.

It's sad, it's just very, very sad.

My Weapon's Turning Me On

Bush's iPod

I personally like the suggestion for My Pet Goat. Or I think Electrelane's "I want to be the president" is good. Just because I'd like to see him groove on down to it. Or the entire Sonic Mook Experiment: Future of Rock & Roll album.

Alternatively, I'd suggest that the prez donate his iPod to me, because if he had any real taste in music he'd be in some god forsaken town in a third world country, not bombing them.

Eastasia

Last year I came across a copy of R.D. Laing's The Divided Self. Since I had nothing else to read I thought I'd give it a go. It's written about schizophrenia in the 1920's before they realized all the chemical stuff involved. So it's all entirely observation of how schizophrenics perceive themselves in the world.

"She could feel everything, except being alive and real."

I read that passage and was convinced I was schizoid for about 3 months after. I kind of feel that way now. I'm just ranting into cyberspace. You might as well tie a sandwichboard to me and throw me in the middle of some city. The news keeps me paranoid, my ego keeps me delusional, and the msg keeps me hallucinating. People don't even email me anymore. I'm just on a quick descent to somewhere. The only reason I keep posting on this blog is so my mom knows I'm still alive.

I think we can all agree that the internet exists for only 3 purposes: Porn, stalking people, and delusional perceptions of grandeur. As for the second one, have you noticed that Friendster has installed little horoscope icons to show your "status" with your friends? I signed in the other day and, I swear to god, I was in the red with everyone. There was no high flying or smooth sailing for me. And I'm not even in the same continent as most the people.

There are loud speakers posted around my school, and from about 8am to 630pm they project various music and announcements throughout the day. They're particularly fond of 'Hotel California', 'My Heart Will Go On', and 'Oops... I did it again'. It drove me insane for the first couple days but now it's just blended into the rest of the background noise.

I found a copy of Apple's 1984 commercial and downloaded it. All the people unemotionally marching under a big screen tv reminds me of China. It's pretty impressive; they've even got the guy wearing a facemask. Only I'm not the one running with the sledgehammer. That person simply doesn't exist in the People's Republic of China.

"Today, we celebrate the first glorious anniversary of the Information Purification Directives. We have created, for the first time in all history, a garden of pure ideology. Where each worker may bloom secure from the pests purveying contradictory truths. Our Unification of Thoughts is more powerful a weapon than any fleet or army on earth. We are one people, with one will, one resolve, one cause. Our enemies shall talk themselves to death and we will bury them with their own confusion. We shall prevail!" *

I think those were the same words used during the last Standing Committee of the National People's Congress.

Welcome! Welcome!

你要什么？
This is the first question that is asked when entering a store or approaching a counter to buy something. It directly translates as "You want what?" And in Chinese 'ni yao shenme' nee yow shenmeh with tones sounds particularly demanding. There's no 'How are you doing?', 'Can I help you?' or any of the other usual, just 'What do you want?'
I hate this question, and I'm pretty sure it's because I more or less believe in some form of basic etiquette. Whenever I hear 你要什么？ want to reply, "What do I want? Well, What I'd like is to not be demanded to answer a question when I'm giving you money. What I'd like is a little patience. But I don't say that. I just tell them what I want.
I realize this is just a cultural thing. That's just the language, but the direct translation is just terrible. Occasionally in western restaurants, or places a little more upscale you get a 欢迎(huanying)！欢迎！(Welcome! Welcome!) but that's pretty rare. I think that's one of the problems with people learning Chinese, you can't get over that you don't have to be nice. It's also why the Chinese are so agitating. They have their own formalities, but in terms of basic human interaction, there is much more courtesy in English.

Anyway, I was at the store today buying some stuff. I went to the checkout, and the checkout person got really excited to have a foreigner in line
“欢迎！欢迎！”（which I was pretty happy to get since it's so rare.)
Then the guy behind me said, "You don't have to say that, she can't understand you."
"Actually, I can understand."
The guy was kind of taken aback in shock. Then the women came to my defense, "See, of course she can understand me. 欢迎！欢迎 ！"
Alright, so I want you all to conduct a little experiment. The next time your in line behind an Asian, and the counter person says something like "Hi, how are you?", or "Can I help you?" or something like that, I want you to step in and say, "You don't have to say that, they can't understand you anyway."
If you survive, let me know how it went.

In other news the new revolution almost started this morning. My iPod went completely dead on me. Then I plugged it in and nothing happened, it didn't even show up on my desktop. About 10 websites later I finally got it up. I can't believe it, travels around the world for over two years and then starts dying on me when I need it the most.

Separation Anxiety

This is what MSG looks like.


I'm the little blue one separated from the rest. This is where I'm going to be in 40 years.

Lost in Translation

I bet you've been waiting for that title. Speaking of which, I'm sorry about my last title - terrible French, but I'm sure you still got the meaning. I'd like to draw your attention to an article my friend sent me, "Why Chinese is So Damn Hard", which can be found in my links section. You probably won't find it entertaining or interesting unless you've studied Chinese, and if you've studied Chinese you'll just realize what a loser you are.

Anyway, I was hanging out the other day and this Chinese guy was showing me the English music he listened to. One of the songs was Bob Marley's Buffalo Soldier. Good song, but he'll never get it. Even if he understood every single word in the song, he'll never understand the meaning. And there is no way that I could ever convey the meaning to him. Just like I'll never understand the Chinese song he chose to give me. It was about Macau. It was written before Macau was handed back to China. It mostly just states that the child - Macau - needs to come back to the rest of the family, China. That it had lost it's identity all these years (because Macau isn't it's Chinese name.) Anyway, I understand the whole patriotic aspect, what I don't understand is why a 23 year old guy would give someone his own age this song and think she'd have any interest in it at all. Seriously. I don't get Chinese patriotism. I think it's much worse than American. I'm fine with loving one's country, but in China it's like Brave New World devotion.

Just about every Chinese textbook I've studied from mostly talks about China's accomplishments and why China is so great. I get really sick of it. I thought it was just something they gave to foriegners to sell the country, but the other day I was at this little girl's house I tutor. I started reading her textbook and it was the exact same crap I've been reading in Chinese since I started studying. She's 11 years old, so it's not too basic stuff, but she was still reading about why the Great Wall is such an accomplishment and why "Uncle Deng" (Deng Xiaoping) was such an amazing person. I'm telling you, Aldous Huxley was writing about China. Only he got the sex part wrong (maybe I'll get into that in a different blog). And MSG is the drug.

Religion came up the other day while I was teaching. My students asked me if I knew about the evil religion. What evil religion? Fulan Gong. The Fulan Gong were only banned in China about 6 years ago or something and already everyone is brainwashed into thinking it's evil. I had to change the subject when they started asking why America protected the evil leader. They all looked like they were about to get violent. It's pretty unbelievable. Like one day I drew a map of China on the board. The class made me put in Taiwan, Macau, Hainan, etc, it was pretty ridiculous. I was just drawing it to point out something about the border between South East Asia and China.

Anyway, sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's annoying. As someone put it to me the other day, "They're just all robots with little hands to make our consumer goods." Terrible comment, I don't condone it at all.

Also, Clinton is so cool.

I would also like to point out, that during a time when almost every other leader of the world puts aside their differences to attend the funeral of a major peace promoter (Iranians and Americans, Indians and Pakistani's, Irish and English, France), I am in one of the few countries that has refused to send a representative. I've barely seen it in the news here. In fact, most the other English teachers didn't even know he'd died until about 3 days after the fact.

If it' s made in China, don't buy it.

La Chine du Vin Blanc

I am completely and totally bored with my own blog. I quit. I'm done. No more. It bores me to think about it.

I'm a little on edge right now for some reason. I just got back from dinner. I didn't have any "Chinese White Wine" at dinner. Otherwise known as Baijiu or 白酒 or hell, but I'm still thinking about the baijiu from Sunday, well not really, but I did have a little to drink at dinner and now I'm trying to incorporate this into a Chinese lesson or theme, as per my blog or whatever.

So anyway, Baijiu, is this chinese rice wine. Kind of like sake but not at all. More like rubbing alcohol. You can buy really nice, expensive baijiu in pretty bottles, or you can buy it in a bag, or you can bring your own bottle to the store and they'll fill it for you from a big cask, i guess, of mutual baijiu. Like the house I was at on sunday, the baijiu I drank came from a sprite bottle, though I'm sure not originally. Anyway, irregardless of where you buy it, it all tastes exactly the same. Like burning.

Alright, so when we were all kids, we remember the first time we had something to drink. We were like, "this is disgusting, I'm never going to drink", of if you were like me you just corked open another bottle and kept drinking for the next 20 years. Anyway, we all get past the 'alcohol is gross' stage and learn to go out and drink socially and enjoy our wines and scotches and vodkas, etc etc. I will never learn to socially enjoy baijiu. I shudder thinking about it. It really is like drinking hell. It smells and tastes like rubbing alcohol, although I've never tasted rubbing alcohol, I actually think rubbing alcohol probably tastes better. And it gets worse.

They put animals in it. Seriously, they distill animals in baijiu, like snakes. You see them all around china. Little bottles with snakes floating in them in restraunts. I know you're going, "that's unbelievable/disgusting" right now, and it is. Only one day you'll find yourself, eating duck and drinking beer, happily chatting away and decide to give it a go. As soon as you shoot that jiu you realize the mistake of your life. Because you look around at every one else at the table and realize the expression of horror and death on their faces is the exact expression you are making.

Anyway, I'm not sure what the point of this blog is, but if you've never been to China and you come, you'll inevitably drink some baijiu. Someone will say 'gan bei!' and you'll throw it back and want to cry, and they'll all laugh and fill up your cup again, and you'll keep doing it, and want to cry more and more and not know why and then you'll wake up and realize you're still in the People's Republic of China.

So anyway, I'm going to go clean my apartment with all this energy, or burn it down, or just jump around for a while. Maybe I'll go buy some baijiu and mix it with msg.

农村

There are only a couple of posts that, during a normal person's life span, only occupy one or two people. The queen of England, the Dalai Lama, Fidel Castro, and the Pope are all examples (well, actually it seems I'm wrong on this, apparently some Popes' only rule for a couple years called 'transitional' Popes) but anyway, in my lifetime there has only been one Pope.
I'm not Catholic, or religious at all, I've never seen the Pope as any kind of shepherd, I disagreed with a lot of John Paul's acts (ie. condoms and Africa), and when I was in Rome chose to nurse a hangover with a Jew rather than see him give mass. However, it was a bit saddening to see the only Pope I've ever known die. Thus, MSG FX mourns the passing of Pope John Paul II.

On the bus ride to Shanghai last week I struck up a conversation with the women next to me to see when the bus back to Lin'an was (yes, I happily left Lin'an without checking to see if there was a way back.) Anyway, the woman turned out to be the wife of the bus driver. She got really excited when I started talking to her, offered to give me a ride to my hotel (I declined), and somehow in all the excitement she got my number.
Anyway, I mostly forgot about the event until I received a call on Thursday asking if I could tutor her daughter. I agreed to meet her and talk about it, which is why I ended up drinking exotic teas (they also own a tea shop) and watching multi-colored fountains on Friday.

Today, as planned, they called me up to climb a mountain. This weekend begins the Ching Ming Festival; I think next weekend is when people visit their ancestor’s grave's to make offers to their ancestors. Anyway, we ended up on a 45-minute drive out into the countryside to their family home. I spent the day amongst the terraced hills, bamboo chutes, plum blossoms, and rice patty hats (I don't know what they're called) of China. Apparently, climbing a mountain to this family means driving to the top and then walking down to meet the car at the bottom. We flew kites and had dinner with their extended family. It was a huge feast. I watched them prepare it, measuring out the msg with a spatula. It was very good - duck, chicken, eggplant, tofu, etc, etc - but I'm going to have some good dreams tonight (hopefully, msg dreams are either really fun, or perversely disturbing.)

Anyway, the family was a bit traditional, they had a ceramic statue of Confucius in their living room and burned incense and bowed to pictures of their deceased relatives before dinner. I watched as the men lit fireworks with their cigarettes. The children screamed, the women covered their ears, but all the men just stood, statuesque and stared as the fireworks exploded into the electrical wires. We ate until we were full and then ate some more. After dinner the men sat around talking about cars while their cigarettes gradually burned down, dangling from their mouths. They never took out their cigarettes to ash, just kept them in is as they spoke and listened.

I had a really good day in the countryside, away from this suburb. It may just be the msg talking, or perhaps the baijiu I had with dinner, but underneath it all - the spitting, yelling, pushing, bluntness, smell - I may actually love China. Just when I lose all hope in this country, I have a day like today, and it's alright again. That's why, when I make plans to leave, I look at graduate schools that offer China programs. That's why I may never leave. It's got me, China's got me good.

Chinese Restaurant Syndrome

Many experts blame MSG for "Chinese Restaurant Syndrome"- the headaches, dizziness, and chest pains some people experience after dining out at a Chinese restaurant. There is a real debate among the scientific community over whether MSG is the culprit. A 1995 report by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration states that MSG is safe for the general public.*

Among the report's key findings, an unknown percentage of the population may react to MSG and develop MSG symptom complex, a condition characterized by one or more of the following symptoms:
-burning sensation in the back of the neck, forearms and chest
-numbness in the back of the neck, radiating to the arms and back
-tingling, warmth and weakness in the face, temples, upper back, neck and arms
-facial pressure or tightness
-chest pain
-headache
-nausea
-rapid heartbeat
-bronchospasm (difficulty breathing) in MSG-intolerant people with asthma
-drowsiness
-weakness.

-In otherwise healthy MSG-intolerant people, the MSG symptom complex tends to occur within one hour after eating 3 grams or more of MSG on an empty stomach or without other food. A typical serving of glutamate-treated food contains less than 0.5 grams of MSG. A reaction is most likely if the MSG is eaten in a large quantity or in a liquid, such as a clear soup.

-Severe, poorly controlled asthma may be a predisposing medical condition for MSG symptom complex.

-No evidence exists to suggest that dietary MSG or glutamate contributes to Alzheimer's disease, Huntington's chorea, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, AIDS dementia complex, or any other long-term or chronic diseases.

-No evidence exists to suggest that dietary MSG causes brain lesions or damages nerve cells in humans.

-The level of vitamin B6 in a person's body plays a role in glutamate metabolism, and the possible impact of marginal B6 intake should be considered in future research.

-There is no scientific evidence that the levels of glutamate in hydrolyzed proteins causes adverse effects or that other manufactured glutamate has effects different from glutamate normally found in foods.

I had some fucked up dreams last night.

Monkey!!! Knife!!! Fight!!!*

There's a temple in the middle of Lin'an. I'm not sure what kind of temple, and I'm pretty sure none of the inhabitants of Lin'an know either, but it's the closest thing to a tourist attraction in Lin'an.

I've passed by it dozens of times before but today was the first time I've ever seen street entertainment out front. A bunch of people were huddled around something so I stopped to see what was going on. A muzzled monkey was fighting a small dog while another monkey (and a Lin'an crowd) watched. It was staged (i think) because the trainer stopped the fight (the monkey and the dog seemed okay) with a word. The monkey then turned, picked up a large stick and came after the trainer. The trainer gave a hand motion, the monkey dropped the stick, went to a bag, and pulled out two knives, one in each hand. He then came at the trainer again. The trainer picked up a whip and had a little confrontation. All this time the other monkey and dog and crowd are just watching and laughing.

I would have loved to had stayed and seen the final outcome, but unfortunately, I had somewhere to be. I'll always wonder though. Sadly, I don't think that was the strangest thing that happened to me today.

I had a bit of a Chinese day. I didn't mean to. When I woke up it was all normal, but by the end of tonight I was watching a multicolored fountain spurt water into a crowd of giggling Chinese and sampling various exotic teas while making plans to climb some mountain on Sunday with the Shanghai bus driver's wife and daughter. I'll let you know how it goes...


*The title for this blog comes from a Minus the Bear song. You can download it for free from their website: http://www.minusthebear.com and you should, because it's good.