exit stage right

This is a rather long blog, so I apologize in advance.

It is generally agreed that there are five stages one goes through after arriving in China. These vary on how long you stay for and how much studying/interest you showed in the country before arriving, but the roughly break down as such:

The first stage is the initial excitement upon entering a new country. Little things like seeing neon characters everywhere and people cooking barbeque on the street corner are exciting and fresh and new.

Stage two is an overall disgust for the country. Depending on your personality, the time from stage one to stage two can be between 10 minutes and a week. Underneath the neon characters, people are spitting, yelling, the food smells, the street smells, children are running around without pants on and people are laughing at them.

In stage three, one attempts to understand the culture. They shake off the disgust as unfamiliarity and jet lag and begin to really dive into the oldest civilization in the world. This stage produces the most annoying individuals by far. These people focus hard on learning the language. They wake up early and go to the parks to learn Tai Chi. They only talk to Chinese people. They drink baijiu and refuse to eat any food that isn't Chinese. Fengshui is deep. They start naming calligraphy as a hobby and introduce themselves by their Chinese names. They don't talk to any foreigners who aren't also in stage three. Stage three lasts between 1-12months, also depending on the individual.

Stage four is the realization that your initial assessment in stage two was correct. The country is just loud, annoying, and dirty. People shit in the street and spit on each other. They eat dogs for fun. This isn't a particular cultural aspect to be learned, they really are evil. The Chinese are actually that mean to each other. There is no deep meaning and the oldest civilization has only lasted so long because nobody else would actually want to put up with conquering these people.

You drink a lot in stage four. All your friends are in stage two, four or five (which I'll get to). You hate everyone in stage three more than the Chinese. You desperately try to convert stage two people to skipping stage three. You sleep a lot. You lose interest in things you used to enjoy. Most other places in the world refer to this as 'depression', but here in China we just call it stage four. I think most of this blog took place in stage four. Stage four lasts until you realize you're leaving the country. This could be up to 10 years for some people. I think some people never leave stage four. The glorious depressed I guess.

When I go out at night I run into people in stage four all the time. They're hunched over a drink at the bar, staring into nothing. If you go up and ask them how they are, they shrug. When you ask what the matter is, the response is, "I don't know, I'm just bored. You know?" I usually just pat them on the back and tell them it will be okay. We all hope so at least.

Stage five comes with the realization that you're leaving China. Like a great weight has been lifted off your shoulders. You also drink a lot in stage five, but it's more celebratory than 'drowning your sorrows' kind of drink. A renewed interest for China emerges and you start going out to 'cultural' events and traveling again. Not like the stage three people, this time you have a good sense of sarcasm with you and realize it's all bullshit and just a good opportunity to try out new bars. China's still a shithole, but you don't care because you're leaving. I've heard it compared to 'Senior Stretch'.

I am currently in stage five. Thank God. I still lapse into stage four clearly, but for the most part I'm just counting down the days. Of course in any of these stages, one is prone to lapse into a lower stage.

Stage five is dangerous because with all the celebrating you begin to mistaken these good times as China is a great place and then after you return, you remember this time and think it may be okay to come back. This is why later in life you find yourself getting off a plane in China and wondering, "What the hell am I doing back here?"

Seeing as this is only my second 'real' time in China, I'm not sure if you go through all the stages each time you return. I think you do, but they just go by faster. Like, I'm pretty sure I went through stage 1-3 in about 2 and a half weeks this time. I really don't want to think about next time. And there will be one.

Of course, once you leave China there are another five stages.

The first is an overwhelming feeling of relief and joy immediately upon entering the plane. This is amplified when a foreign(!) stewardess tells the Chinese in the back of the plane they have to be quiet and they sit there stunned.

The second stage is mostly just a strong craving for Chinese food.

The third is an annoyance with anyone who tries to talk about China with some kind of knowledge and hasn't been here. Even if it's negative, you don't want to hear it. Unless you've done it, you can't possibly understand. And the fact that you (the individual who was in China) care what people have to say on the topic pisses you off the most.

The fourth stage is a rejection of having any connection with China at all. You no longer talk about it in conversation and you fail to bring up that you've spent a substantial amount of time there. The only real indicator that you may know something about the middle kingdom is a strong insistence in Chinese restaurants.

I remember when I was living in Sydney one of my good friends came over to my house. We'd known each other for about four months. She was in my room and noticed my Chinese-English dictionary on my bookshelf.
"You speak Chinese?"
"Oh, um, yeah, I lived there for a semester in college, and I'll probably be there next year."
She looked at me as though seeing a complete stranger.

Although you attempt to reject any connection to China, it still creeps up in different ways. Like you find yourself in Chinatown on various occasions and you try to conspicuously click 'Asia-Pacific' on every news webpage. For example, for the past four years a Chinese person has cut my hair. For some reason, I feel the need to go to Chinatown every time I need a trim. I also always tend to have frozen dumplings in my fridge, no matter where I am in the world.

Stage five is the realization that you're going to have to go back to China. It's gnawed at you, it's taunted you and now you have to return. You've been reading articles about the country for too long. Your Chinese has fallen apart. Your dreams are amazingly clear without the MSG. It's the sad acceptance of the inevitable that you don't want to happen.

One day I hope to never hit stage five. I think this may be pretty likely, since most of the people who continue to return to China throughout there life are egotistical males, I may be okay. I only fit half that definition.

This leads me to the type of people who find themselves in China. I was going to get to that in this blog, but it may have to wait. It's pretty basic - we all think we're better than anyone else - but I may want to get into some particularities.