fucking pigs

I'm American, and therefore have an interesting and unusual religious background.

My mother was born in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. This used to be a small town, but with the growth of factory outlet stores, the town has boomed. Anyway, it's generally considered the gateway to the Pennsylvania Dutch, otherwise known as the Amish. I'm not Amish though.

My family, is Mennonite. I was actually shocked to learn they have a webpage and a statement about the war in Iraq, because they're not far from Amish. When I was a kid and we used to visit my grandmother, we'd attend a Sunday service at the Lancaster Mennonite Church. We'd drive through the Amish country side, past the Amish in their horse drawn buggies on the way to church, the fruit and vegetable markets, and all the suggestive Amish town name signs (Ball-In-Hand, Intercourse.) And really, seeing all this in middle America is possibly more shocking than anything you'd come across in China.

Anyway, the service would take place in a simple wooden church. Everyone would wear black or dark gray clothing, except my family members and I who would be robed in God knows what. Anyway, we'd all sit patiently in this simple building watching the big grandfather clock tick until it hit exactly 10am. Nobody would speak while waiting. I think it was okay to, but nobody would. It always confused me as a child why we'd wait for 15 minutes before the service doing nothing. I think I thought I was supposed to be praying or something, but really I was wondering why we couldn't just start because clearly everyone was already there.

I don't remember what the services were about. Something about Jesus I think, but they were long and the seats were uncomfortable for me. Regardless, we have a lot of patch work quilts and simple Christian paraphernalia floating around my house. In between the statue from Thailand of the pigs fucking and the woven baskets from Botswana.

So that's one side of my family.

My father was born in Provo, Utah and raised Mormon. I was not surprised to find the Mormon church had a website. If it didn't register as a non-profit it would be the biggest business in America. Anyway, he mostly broke away from the church but most my family on his side still practices.

I can't really tell you much about Mormons either. They don't have horns, they do have a lot of missionaries, and some of them marry multiple wives, but that's a different sect of Mormonism. And there are no Mormon missionaries in China, probably the only place on earth, and really, it's pretty nice.

Anyway, they do have some interesting beliefs about sex. That was taken straight from their website. Homosexual activity is a serious sin. Lovely people. And I've always enjoyed their cure for masturbation. See, I've always had a problem with number 4 myself. Seeing my reflection in the mirror after I've showered would cause anyone temptation.

I don't mean to specifically pick out the Mormons to pick on, give me any religion, ethnic group, nationality, etc. and I'll find something hilariously wrong with them, but the Mormons are just easy. Actually most of them are very nice people and I have several Mormon friends. Or at least acquaintances.

Anyway, this all has a point, not just a sad look at my genealogy.

So I was out at a bar the other day and I struck up a conversation with a guy:

"Where are you from?"
"Boston, you?" (I always say Boston because it's easier, sometimes I mix it up.)
"D.C."
"Oh, where in D.C?"
"Well, I went to Georgetown..."
"Oh, so you're not really from D.C., that's okay, I'm not really from Boston, where are you from?"
"Philadelphia."
"Oh do you know Lancaster?"
"Yeah, actually I live right near Lancaster."(So he wasn't really from Philly either)
"My family's from Lancaster. But I'm actually from Salt Lake."
"No way, I'm Mormon!"
"Are you really?"
"Yeah."
"Well my family's Mennonite."
"No way."
"I swear to God, but my dad was Mormon."
"No way."
"Seriously. I'm not Mormon though, are you really Mormon?"
"Yeah, I really am, I went to seminary and everything."
"Still?"
(holds up his glass of beer)"Well not really. So how weird is this, in a seedy bar in Shanghai, China, two people from Lancaster and connected to Mormons meet."
"And, we both lie about where we're from!"
"Haha, yeah."
"That's fucked up. We probably shouldn't talk to each other any more."
"Agreed."
(We both walk away from each other.)

So, it's a small world after all.