I see you baby...

I spend a lot of time at the gym here. Around 10 hours a week usually. Most expats do. This doesn't mean I'm in shape or look good or anything, there's just nothing else to do. In fact, according to a recent self-assessment, I'm the worst I've looked in about four years. Which, coincidentally, is the last time I was in China. But I'll leave here one day and get tan and good looking and happy again.

When my friend was visiting she was looking through my pictures from last year. We came across one of me in a bikini smiling on a beach. Her response was, "Wow, you look so tan and happy." I was.

Anyway, the gym in China is a great experience. I'll start off with describing the locker room. Whatever modesty exists in China goes out the door in the locker room. You immediately enter a sea of naked bodies. Women are sitting naked everywhere, chatting, putting on various oils, eating food, it's a little shocking. I go in the mornings, so that means I run into a lot of Chinese house wives. They all have scars across their stomachs. I think it's from c-sections, but they're all pretty big, and really not very attractive. A friend of mine also pointed out that a lot of chinese girls have dark circles on their butts. I don't know what that's all about. I don't really feel bad talking about Chinese bodies, because they all just sit around naked and talk about how pink my nipples are and how big my hips are. Yes, I understand what you're saying.

So there are signs posted all over the locker room that are completely and totally ignored. For example, outside the steam room and sauna there are signs for no eating, putting on lotion or hair oil, or talking loudly. The talking loudly one is clearly broken immediately. I don't think there's such thing as an 'inside voice' here. The other day I entered the steam room. I couldn't tell how many people were in there because the steam was pretty thick, but through the mist I heard a women biting into an apple and slowly chewing. The same goes for lychies, peaches, oranges, etc, etc. The sauna is pretty much a salon. People are always putting on lotion and hair oil. Always. So much for signage. I haven't been in the men’s changing room yet, but my roommate tells me there is a sign 'Hair dryers are for the use of head hair only." As he was puzzling over that one day he looked across to see some guy drying his crotch. So that's the changing room.

For some reason Chinese girls like to wrap themselves in saran wrap before they work out. That seems amazingly uncomfortable to me, but so do most of the work out clothes worn. Ski pants are pretty popular. A lot of women walk around in their heals and take them off the stretch and sit on the machines with their friends. A lot of guys where tevas and black socks. There are a lot of black socks. Also jeans, nice tank tops, converse, and carpenter pants are popular.

I think about three Chinese people know how to use the machines correctly. The rest is just an abuse. Sitting on them backwards, thrusting, pushing, it’s crazy. They'll hurt themselves like that. A lot of people like to walk backwards on the treadmills. I don't know what that's about. Also a lot of people put the treadmills at about speed 7.2, which I normally have to jog at, but they walk, holding onto the sides for their lives.

It's hilarious, it really is. The classes are pretty good too. A lot of aerobics and 80's style workouts. It worked for Jane Fonda.

But I have to go to the gym. It's my release. If I didn't I'd have way too much pent up energy. I'd be shoving Chinese in the streets and pushing them off bicycles. I just get on the treadmill, put on my music, think about what pisses me off, and run, run, run.